one of those...
Yes. Despite being on the tail end of a lovely last-weekend of summer I am feeling desperate today. I've had a strange weekend, fluctuating between being overjoyed by time alone reading in my slowly browning yard, or walking the dogs - to feeling completely in despair over a variety of things, all valid, none of which I feel I can really nail down. I keep telling myself that my over-emotional state is due to PMS, and I am sure that is partly true, but only partly. I have a lot of things to be glad about:
1. a job that I love
2. lovely weather of my favorite variety - warm during the day and wonderfully cool at night
3. pets that I adore
4. a kind and loving man in my life
5. a house that feels like home to me
6. a sense that I am where I should be, rather than a niggling feeling that I am missing something going on just around the corner
7. books I have loved reading, like this one
Really there are a lot of things to be happy about. But there are also these buggers:
1. my grandfather (really more like my father as he raised me, my own father having abandoned me and my mother before I was born) has a lesion on his lung and at this point we aren't sure what it is. It doesn't look promising though as he was in construction most of his life and during that time, they loved to use asbestos, which they have discovered causes lung cancer.
2. so much overtime that I occasionally feel like my head is about to crack open like a coconut and an awful sense of urgency in the pit of my stomach like I am forgetting something/screwing something up/going to be found out/in terrible trouble/sinking in quick sand.
3. I let my oldest friend move away from town without saying goodbye to her. I had a reason, I was busy and she was being a bit of an ass. But in the end, none of that should have mattered and I should have made even ten minutes to say goodbye, even if wasn't willing to do the same for me. If anything ever happened to her, I would never be able to reconcile not taking the time out and be the bigger person and wish her well.
4. I haven't emailed my father back (biological who just came back into my life this past spring) in about a month. I want to but there is something keeping me from actually doing it. It is weighing on me but I am frozen into some stupor, unable to act and unwilling to really analyze my feelings about it.
5. I just feel overwhelmed and a little bit lost - a bit like a woman made out of tightly strung elastic bands. I really, really don't want to snap.
All this sounds very dramatic but writing about it makes it somehow better, or at least more manageable. I am just such a nostalgic fool. I love fall, it's my favorite season and I look forward to it every year but it makes me so sad. Anther summer is slipping away and there will never be another one exactly like this and although in many ways that is a good thing, the control freak part of me (which, let's face it, is a big part of me) hates that there is nothing I can do to slow things down. I think this feeling is amplified by my grandfather's potential illness and the idea that these loves cannot ever be permanent, no matter how nurtured they are. Like everything else, they pass and I am still trying to hold on to every moment and the harder I grasp, the quicker things seem to turn to smoke and slip through my fingers.
XOXOX
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