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temper, temper

Some days this is how I feel. Or, rather, what I feel like doing. Not often, but I occasionally have these moments where I want nothing more than to unleash my inner two years old on the world and scream and throw myself on the ground kicking my legs, my hands knotted up in little fists. Occasionally I think that some forms of human disease are caused by repressing these kinds of primal emotions. It is not socially acceptable to be be mad, or too sad or really too much of anything so instead we pick a medium emotional tone and try not to deviate from it too much and sometimes it makes us sick. All of the rage that most of us feel (if we are honest with ourselves) has to go somewhere.

Rumi said "What I want most is to spring out of this personality, then to sit apart from that leaping. I've lived too long where I can be reached." Sometimes I feel this so strongly that it makes me want to join a monastery where everyone takes a vow of silence. Despite my complete and utter lack of religious convictions (generally a barrier to joining a religious order) and the knowledge that I would never actually want to live the rest of my life in such a regimented way, I deeply understand the desire to be contemplative, to remove oneself from the world and just be alone, quiet and still. As I get older (ripe old age of 28) more and more I find myself seeking time away to read and think and create. If I were devoted to a religion or philosophy the way I am devoted to spending quiet moments alone I would make an excellent nun (it I cut out the swearing and drinking).

I am not entirely sure that this gluttony for time apart is healthy and as I look around at my friends and acquaintances who are constantly out and about, I feel conflicted. On one hand I occasionally feel left out of things but then I have to acknowledge that for the most part, I really have no interest in going out more than a few times a month. And as a gallerina, my work life is completely overwhelmed with people, events and constant intense interaction that by the end of the day I want little more than the company I can find within the walls of my house. Exciting, no? While this tendency for aloness bothers me in some ways, in other ways I feel lucky. I am never bored with myself and I don't need the constant distraction of people to make me feel fulfilled. I think that this is a good thing and is balanced by the reality that when I do go out, I am really comfortable around people and not awkward (at least I don't think I am).

Anyway, my goal for this week is to be more in tuned with my emotions. And, by gads, if I feel like screaming and having a tantrum I may just indulge. Though probably not until I get home because a gal needs to earn a living and somehow I don't think I'm rock star enough to get away with throwing myself on the floor at work.

The photographer responsible for the above image and a series of other work like it is Jill Greenberg. Some of her work can be viewed online at the Paul Kopeikin Gallery . Always give credit where credit is due.

I love that picture. I have to confess, I've been feeling a lot like that too lately. I just want to start bawling and fall to the floor. Then have someone lift me up and tell me it's all going to be better.

I also understand your feelings as far as going out. I have a similar sentiment these days. I'm a lot less social than I used to be.

You know and part of me just wishes we were all allowed to throw a fit every now and again...

Fits! I am all for fits! I had one earlier, although I had the sense to do it in my own space and on my own time, but still, we should all have space for throwing fits.

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